a very half-hearted attempt at an update

I should start writing in this blog again soon. This is an attempt. This does count as a post does it not?

Post-sick post ALTERED STATE OF MIND

This was written on 01/26/08 at 10:40pm when I was feeling really sick and crappy:

When you have a side-splitting, earth-shattering headache, the last thing on your mind is the weather (even if you have SAD and it's raining outside). What's on your mind is writing down what's on your mind.

When your nose a-runnin' and your head a-splittin' brace yourself

for a cold a-comin'.

Before I started to feel really sick I saw "Juno" and loved it.

ALTERED STATE OF MIND

-I wrote this when I was feeling pretty weak with headache...I was sleeping but, in my bed, in the darkness I grabbed a pen ad wrote this down...

A few days later, I was still feeling sick and when I woke up before work on this day I was really introspective and had an urge to write this down:

9:30am 02/01/08

I DON'T WANT TO BE ORDINARY I WANT TO BE HONEST...

HONEST TO GOD. HONEST TO MYSELF. HONEST WITH OTHERS. AWARE OF MYSELF.

AWARE OF GOD. AWARE OF OTHERS...

TO KNOW WHERE I STAND IN RELATION TO EACH...

A Grumble Fast?

I've been inspired. And I'm here to inspire you. :D

Last Sunday at "the flood" (my awesome church) the church bulletin challenged us to give something up for 40 days for lent. The flier said to look at it not as something you are doing to restrict yourself but rather as a way to let something go so that you are actually freed to give more--to God--to others, and ultimately--paradoxically--by giving to God and others you are actually getting full and getting the most that you never thought was possible. So, let this be a season (or 40 days rather) of generosity.

At work, I talked to a co-worker and asked her if she was going to give something up for Lent and she said that she was thinking about giving up complaining but that it was impossible. Apparently, someone had experimented with not grumbling for an entire day and it took this person 75 days to be successful with only 24 hours of not uttering a single complaint.

Anyways. Lately, the last two weeks have been kind of blah for me. I haven't felt down but I haven't really felt 100%. At first I was sick for a week, starting on my birthday. And then, I tweaked my back a little bit and work calls have been more stressful lately. Long story short, I haven't felt as energetic or happy these last two weeks and it's been easy to grumble or look on the half-empty side. However, today I decided I would give it a whirl and just attempt to go for one day without grumbling.

It's AMAZING how much a little attitude shift can change things. It's INSANE how much control we think we don't have but actually do have over how our day turns out. Are we going to allow ourselves to have a good day even when bad circumstances give us the excuse to grumble and be a grumpystiltsken?? Or are we going to choose to have a bad day and be a sourpuss even when we have every reason to be thankful??

We ALWAYS have much to be thankful for. At church, in the sermon, the pastor quoted some wise, sagacious guy saying something to the effect of this: if we have clothes on our back and food enough for the day we are RICH and have much to be thankful for. I thought about this for a second and realized how true this is. It's soooo easy to lose perspective but when you find yourself getting stressed during the day sometimes it's soothing to remember that you are blessed beyond measure and can be content if you have food enough for the day and clothes on your back.Sooo, just going for one day on a grumble fast has put me in such a thankful and joyous spirit!I really hope that I can go a whole two days without grumbling. If I do grumble, Kathleen is going to make me do jumping jacks.

post-entry edit: WOW, do YOU see the recurring theme here that I see? Check out the following link to be transported back to a very similar-in-vein entry I wrote in August:
you CAN DO it!!! Change your reality by thinking and acting

an irresistible urge to write and be....known???

I was going to buy myself a song from i-tunes and then head to bed...when I felt an irresistible urge to write...to express...myself. Let me back it up.

I was going to write when I stepped into the shower tonight. I had decided to write in my blog while I was taking a shower. I was thinking about how you always have all these clever or insightful things that come to your mind during the day and then you say to yourself "I'm going to blog about this." However, when you sit down in write it all seems to have vanished and you think to yourself "do I have anything 'blog-worthy' or interesting to share?" And then you feel a little self-conscious (at least I have moments of this) where you think, and over-analyze what you are going to write because you want it to sound clever because you think that someone important might read this blog. Or, you just know that your "thoughts" aren't completely private. That you technically could write anything you want to but you really can't write anything you want to like you'd put down in your journal because you don't want people to think you're crazy. Even though if you did write whatever you wanted to as uninhibited as you are when you write only for yourself nobody would probably think the worse of you. On the contrary, they probably would think "that is honest and what I've been thinking but too shy to write down."

Anyways, where was I?? Oh, so I stepped in the shower and decided that I was going to write in the blog and then I thought about what I should write and really, nothing that interesting came to my head save for writing about my thought process and writing about what I was thinking about writing about.

So, I stepped out of the shower and was, all-of-a-sudden, pretty excited to blog (I haven't blogged in a looooong time!). Actually, when I first stepped in the shower I was only considering buying my i-tunes song and then heading to bed and by the the time I stepped out of the shower I was more keen to get on the computer to blog then to buy. I actually am blogging right now before I go buy my i-tune and head to zzz-land.

I'm blogging because I want to write and express myself and also because of the gentle prodding of a good friend. :) Ming-mei you know who you are.

What a weird, sort-of meta blog. I read "Blue Like Jazz" recently and I really enjoyed it. I am probably, nay, definitely emulating Donald Miller's writing style a little. His writing reminds me of reflections in a blog. Maybe that's why (partly why) I have decided to take it up again.

When I was in the shower I did think about one thing interesting to blog about. It's so apparent to me how essential a desire it is for everyone to want to be known...deeply...It was apparent to me when I was watching the premiere of "American Idol" tonight and watching the extent that people will go through just to get on television for a minute. People will do such absurd and crazy things to be seen by people they will never know or see and who will look at what they did on tv and most likely say "what a weirdo" or "craaaaazies."

The lengths that people will go for just an inkling of fame (or infamy) touches deeper into our simple need to be known...deeply. To be known is the motivation behind why we talk to people. It's why we put on makeup (not me personally), go to school, have deep conversations, read books by Dr. Phil and it's why we crack open our bibles and sing loudly and dance uninihibited. We want so deeply to be known by others...anyone... We want to know ourselves and we want to know God. We also want to know others as well.

To be known deeply is why crack jokes with others to gain rapport with them so that they can know us and we can know them. We want so desperately to find a wonderful wife or godly husband because we want someone to know us deeply.

It's funny how we have this deep desire to be known and to know another deeply yet where we go to try to fill this longing is oftentimes the least likely place that it can be found. Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to impress people that don't have a high likelihood of being interested in us? We try to impress celebrities, secret crushes, and people that we will never see again. And then the people who do want to know us and care deeply about us we take for granted and push away. How many times have I neglected a family member, good friend or...dare I say God when I'm distracted to try to be known by someone or something that is sooo not worth my time???

Okay, I think I've written enough. For now, my irresistible urge to write and express myself...to be KNOWN is satisfied and over. I'm going to download my i-tune and head to i-bed. :D