an irresistible urge to write and be....known???

I was going to buy myself a song from i-tunes and then head to bed...when I felt an irresistible urge to write...to express...myself. Let me back it up.

I was going to write when I stepped into the shower tonight. I had decided to write in my blog while I was taking a shower. I was thinking about how you always have all these clever or insightful things that come to your mind during the day and then you say to yourself "I'm going to blog about this." However, when you sit down in write it all seems to have vanished and you think to yourself "do I have anything 'blog-worthy' or interesting to share?" And then you feel a little self-conscious (at least I have moments of this) where you think, and over-analyze what you are going to write because you want it to sound clever because you think that someone important might read this blog. Or, you just know that your "thoughts" aren't completely private. That you technically could write anything you want to but you really can't write anything you want to like you'd put down in your journal because you don't want people to think you're crazy. Even though if you did write whatever you wanted to as uninhibited as you are when you write only for yourself nobody would probably think the worse of you. On the contrary, they probably would think "that is honest and what I've been thinking but too shy to write down."

Anyways, where was I?? Oh, so I stepped in the shower and decided that I was going to write in the blog and then I thought about what I should write and really, nothing that interesting came to my head save for writing about my thought process and writing about what I was thinking about writing about.

So, I stepped out of the shower and was, all-of-a-sudden, pretty excited to blog (I haven't blogged in a looooong time!). Actually, when I first stepped in the shower I was only considering buying my i-tunes song and then heading to bed and by the the time I stepped out of the shower I was more keen to get on the computer to blog then to buy. I actually am blogging right now before I go buy my i-tune and head to zzz-land.

I'm blogging because I want to write and express myself and also because of the gentle prodding of a good friend. :) Ming-mei you know who you are.

What a weird, sort-of meta blog. I read "Blue Like Jazz" recently and I really enjoyed it. I am probably, nay, definitely emulating Donald Miller's writing style a little. His writing reminds me of reflections in a blog. Maybe that's why (partly why) I have decided to take it up again.

When I was in the shower I did think about one thing interesting to blog about. It's so apparent to me how essential a desire it is for everyone to want to be known...deeply...It was apparent to me when I was watching the premiere of "American Idol" tonight and watching the extent that people will go through just to get on television for a minute. People will do such absurd and crazy things to be seen by people they will never know or see and who will look at what they did on tv and most likely say "what a weirdo" or "craaaaazies."

The lengths that people will go for just an inkling of fame (or infamy) touches deeper into our simple need to be known...deeply. To be known is the motivation behind why we talk to people. It's why we put on makeup (not me personally), go to school, have deep conversations, read books by Dr. Phil and it's why we crack open our bibles and sing loudly and dance uninihibited. We want so deeply to be known by others...anyone... We want to know ourselves and we want to know God. We also want to know others as well.

To be known deeply is why crack jokes with others to gain rapport with them so that they can know us and we can know them. We want so desperately to find a wonderful wife or godly husband because we want someone to know us deeply.

It's funny how we have this deep desire to be known and to know another deeply yet where we go to try to fill this longing is oftentimes the least likely place that it can be found. Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to impress people that don't have a high likelihood of being interested in us? We try to impress celebrities, secret crushes, and people that we will never see again. And then the people who do want to know us and care deeply about us we take for granted and push away. How many times have I neglected a family member, good friend or...dare I say God when I'm distracted to try to be known by someone or something that is sooo not worth my time???

Okay, I think I've written enough. For now, my irresistible urge to write and express myself...to be KNOWN is satisfied and over. I'm going to download my i-tune and head to i-bed. :D